Back to December

Back to December by Taylor Swift

Haven't been blogging lately. Too busy doing stuff. One of which is to 'clean' my laptop. SO, I was going through my files. And I found this. Reflection paper for En12. :) heehee. I shall post it below. but, I'll be cutting out some parts. :>


Water rolling down your cheeks. More often than not, tears are shed in times of sadness, deep sorrow, immense pain and even at the times of great anger. When someone cries he or she shows that he or she is capable of feeling, of, actually, getting hurt. He or she reveals his or her truest self through his or her tears.
“You feel that way only if you allow other people to make you feel that way.” My mom always tells me this. Every single time I tell her of my woes, and the things that saddens me, frustrates and disappoints me, she tells me this. Instead of giving the pep talk that is ‘normally’ given in situations like this under any other circumstance, my mother would go on that only people we truly trust can affect us. It is because this trust we have come to be comfortable with them that we have become vulnerable with them. We trusted them. I trusted them.
Trust. I think that the definition of this word goes way beyond the letters that make up the very word. It goes beyond the technicalities. Somehow, and in a big way, trust involves the heart, one’s being and his or her soul. Also, it is neither said nor implied. Moreso, it must never, under any circumstance, be imposed. Trust, is earned. Through time, through the laughters and the tears, trust is eventually earned and becomes fundamental in every relationship - may it be the romantic kind or not.
The most evident proof that trust is earned is when we meet new people. At first, we see them as strangers. Accompanied by our personal stereotypes, we immediately have impressions about them. Hence, the term ‘first impressions’. As we talk to this stranger, we learn to appreciate them. We learn to actually see them for what they are. As time passes by, with all those exchange of personal information and recollections, all those ‘kwentuhans’, we have exchanged with them a piece of ourselves for them to care for and for us to do the same with theirs. What started out as a mere conversation, an exchange of ideas, or mere social motives, became an avenue for us to find a friend to share a bit of life with, became a friendship or a romantic relationship. We learned to trust. We learned to love them.
Contrary to the cliche line, I think, trust makes the world go round. Love is just a byproduct of trust. One learns to love another because he or she trusts that the other will accept him or her despite the many things that may seem ‘odd.’ In perspective, more than the love that exists in a said relationship, trust settles in and serves as the support system. Without trust, love can never prosper.
Love without trust is nothing more than a ‘summer fling’. How can one love someone if he or she does not fully trust her partner?
A partner, after all, it takes two to tango. In a romantic relationship, one has to completely trust the other. Trust that your partner will be faithful, that he or she will love you and see you for who you truly are, flaws and all. Moreso, you trust that person with your heart, the core of your very being. You expect him or her to care for it. This is where this becomes even more complicated. Expectations. When people are far deep into a relationship, having expectations are inevitable. Sometimes, one expects too much of the other that the he or she fails to see that his or her partner is actually not capable of fulfilling his or her expectations. One failed expectation always lead to another and then, another. One day, they both wake up and they realize that all the love in their relationship is gone. The rough road that they had taken cost them the love that they shared in their relationship. Sooner or later, the repetitive emotional pain that they both suffer initiates the first crack in their trust.
Ah. Repetitive pain in the heart. It is unacceptable. Hurt me once and it will never be the same again. As a person is emotionally hurt, making him or her rise from the dilemma will definitely trigger a change in him or her. The person that he or she was before the ‘incident’ will not be the same person that he or she will be after. To the person that he or she will be, trusting again will definitely be an issue. Why trust again of you know the possibility of getting hurt again actually exists? Why? They say, one has to be wise about their moves, will trusting the same person who hurt you once be a wise thing to do?
Point is, people live on the trust they build, share with other people they meet. Out of the trust they share, they build friendship and sometimes, if not most of the time, things get to be friendlier than usual. Romantic relationships are formed and complications arise. Inevitably, expectations, eventually, meddle with their minds, heart and lives. In reality, most of our expectations are not what really happen. Slowly, people fall out of love as repetitive pain is incurred from these failed expectations. From a broken heart, one becomes an entirely different person. From here, one asks himself or herself, where do I go from here? Whom should I trust? Should I trust, again? Getting hurt for being vulnerable once is too painful an experience for anyone to undergo through it over and over again. Forgive but do not forget.
These are the very reasons why I choose to be single. This is why I choose to focus on myself. I am far too young to experience all these drama. I believe that I have already trusted many untrustworthy people for me to trust someone with my heart. Friends, family and the opposite sex - boys.
I grew up in an all girls school for the Chinese (now they say, Chinese-Filipino). It was not easy. I trusted them to be nice to me. Instead, all they noticed then was my bigger eyes and fuller lips. It was a constant struggle. At an early age, I found out how it is to be betrayed; how it is to get hurt. Growing up was a constant battle. There were days when I would beg my mother not to let me go to school. There were days when I would just go look for her at the high school faculty and have lunch with her. Lunches that end up into full blown ‘iyakan’ moments. These happened over and over again. Time and again, I would cry over these ‘friends’ Please do not take me wrong. I have friends from high school. I just had to shed so much tears to find them.
[three paragraphs deleted]
The thought of letting someone in, again, gives me all the ‘kilig’ feeling. However, I always ask this, so what happens after those ‘kilig’ moments? Once ‘he’ holds my hand, he will have to let go of it in somewhere down the road. Fights will be inevitable just the same way casualties are in every fight. What will be the price to pay to keep the relationship going?
All these thoughts are radical. It is often mistaken as fear. Fear of getting hurt. Probably, on one account, it is fear. But, it is not all about fear. I just cannot allow myself to get hurt by the same person over and over again. Letting the same bad thing happen to me over and over again is even worse. It is as if you mean to tell other people that you are not capable of learning from your mistakes. As radical and absurd and it may seem, I have thought of being the doctor to escape all these. I want to be and get posted by the UN in Africa. Staying alone forever seems to be not that bad. Escapism for some, ideals of a young broken hearted girl to me. One that makes sense and does not make sense all at the same time.
After everything said in this paper, I realized that these thoughts may been triggered by my being too young understand the works of love. I am far too young to understand, too young and too ideal. I want one thing along with many other things. It seems silly now, these thing I have just said. However silly, they still somehow hold some truth in my heart. I have learned to trust other people, accepted them for who they are and loved every inch of their eccentricity. I think that is the problem to begin with. When to stop when you started trusting other people? Who should draw the line? How far should your trust take you?
At the end of the day, all I want to say is that I want to trust people. Like every other teenager out there, I still dream of falling in love, of entrusting my heart to a boy who will care for it with much love. I am just scared that, like before, I might trust the wrong person with that job. I am just scared of making more mistakes and getting hurt again. Hopefully, the day will come when I will take all these back because I have finally found that one person who will be the living proof that I am wrong. One day, I will trust, again.

funny right? but whatever. hahahaa... I loved how I was able to put into writing some stuff I just think of most of the time. It just felt good. heehee. no regrets. just love.